True Blue……

Life has been throwing me some curve balls lately.  Daniel went out with his friends last Friday.  No biggie- Really!  Until……he forgot he has a pregnant wife and son at home.  Didn’t call, didn’t answer my call, didn’t get home til 12:30am.  He had told me it would be gone for a little while.  I believed him despite knowing better.  The thing that bothered me was he didn’t bother to pick up the phone for hours- I mean HOURS!  To me, that is very disrespectful.  Anyway, we got through it, I snapped out of blaming him, and the weekend was pretty good.  My family came over on Sunday.  My parents brought  2 packages of newborn diapers, clothes for Adam, and juice for him too.  They are so awesome.  We had a really nice visit.  Alysha has been staying with us to take care of Adam all week.  She’s great.  She plays with him, talks to him, and he enjoys her alot!  Daniel has been working tons lately.  And while it’s good he is, I’m having a rough time with it.  I just feel like I haven’t talked to him in days.  This pregnancy has had me so much more emotional and my upcoming birthday is not helping matters.  Growing up I always got depressed before my birthday.  Can’t explain it.  I just take time to reflect on the things I’ve done, and mostly the things I haven’t done in life.  So, between feeling lonely and aging I have had a bad case of the blues.  Worried about work, worried about home, worried about money….it’s all just swirling around in my head like a giant whirlpool.  I know I have got many blessings in my life.  I have so much to be thankful for.  But there are also voids in my life that I’m having a difficult time dealing with.  I miss being such an open person.  I just feel I am not the same person I used to be.  I worry about hurting so many people’s feelings that I put my own on the back burner.  

We have two birthday parties this weekend.  They’ll be a fun outing for both days of the weekend.  But even this has me worried.  I feel like I have to walk on eggshells at one.  If I don’t speak enough to someone it’ll be brought up and their feelings will be hurt.  This party is not for this person and I am not there to celebrate them but I have been made to feel like if I don’t spend what she deems adequate time she’ll end up in tears.  I can’t believe sometimes how immature and petty life can be sometimes.  I will enjoy seeing the kiddoes running around and Kaitlyn’s big blue eyes full of surprise as she opens her gifts.  And that to me, is the most important thing.  Celebrating the joys in life!

Only a few more weeks unil we find out what we are having.  I wanted to go find out now by going to one of those places that you pay for sonos, but the last time we did this I ended up in tears and upset.  I can’t bear it this time.  So, I will force myself to keep things private and guard myself like I haven’t before.  I can’t wait to see this little baby again.  With Adam we had sonos nearly every other week, which was so much fun!  This pregnancy has been different in that it’s practically like a normal one.  I miss all those cute pictures though!  The second round of test results came back normal.  And that I think is all my good news……Now I shall go try to snap out of this truly blue mood.

Bummer!

So Daniel made it home early yesterday after working late every night practically.  I think today could have been about the same, however he chose to go drinking with buddies.  While I know he needs time to be his own person, it still bothered me.  I don’t know what to say to him about it since it’ll end up in a fight if I do.  It would be different if he had a normal job that brought him home at a consistent time.  But that’s soooooo not the case.  I have a mentally exhausting job.  Come home and try to have the motivation to do housework and I also have to be on the run keeping an eye on Adam.  I try to get to bed around 9 or so, when Adam is winding down, only to have my mind racing on what I have to accomplish the next day.  It never ends!  I was really looking forward to maybe a nice dinner with him and Adam.  So, bummer.

The appointment was fine.  Same old stuff.  But everything is good.  Diabetes is good.  Kidney function is great.  Blood pressure was excellent.  The baby was being elusive and didn’t want to cooperate with the doppler to hear the heartbeat.  Finally we found it.  No sono.  Another bummer. 

Once I got back to work all heck broke loose.  People think documents automatically complete themselves.  They may take forever to pay their bill, but want their records that were on hold because of the bill in minutes.  People ask for help and another coworker says they are too busy so I jump to do it.  It was just a frustrating day today.  I sure wish I could be with buddies right now.

Oh well.  Adam’s fussing.  Gotta go!

The Suspense Is Killing Me!

My coworker is having a boy.  She has three girls and is finally having her baby boy.  It has made me want to know what we are having soon!  I will be 17 weeks on Saturday.  I go to the doctor tomorrow for a checkup, but I don’t think she’ll do anything other than a regular check up.  Darn!  We are scheduled for our next sono to be Sept. 4th.  Then it’ll be time for the trip almost.  Then to the state fair.  Then the holidays.  Then it’ll be almost time.  This seems to be going so much faster than with Adam.  I feel bubbles alot lately and it’s amazing.  Yesterday I thought I was going insane.  As soon as I woke up I just felt sad.  I wanted to stay home, relax, and not be missing work because of yet another appointment.  But I went in.  I was that miserable emotional pregnant person.  I felt like I could just cry all morning.  No reason in particular.  I was trying to write an email asking for documents and was told that I was too demanding.  That set me off.  Then a coworker came behind me and slapped a folder on my desk.  Literally scared me enough that I screamed and jumped.  Tears came and I was so embarrased.  The guy felt so bad!   Stupid hormones!  I got better after lunch, but the morning was awful.  Today was better.  And Daniel actually got off work at 4:30 today!!!  YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We went to Kid to Kid.  Adam got new shoes, a new toy, and pjs.  I scored a maternity work shirt.  And we will so be going there for stuff for the new baby.  It’s a new Kid to Kid and it rocked!  Not a big selection of 18month clothes, but tons of other great stuff. 

Adam has a new dance he does.  He looks like Lord of the Dance.  Little feet stomping.  So cute!!!!!  And he’s been giving big cheesy smiles all evening.  Such a happy little boy.  I’m blessed!

No Title

The tears will flow easily today.  Last night was a battle.  A big battle.  I haven’t cried like this in years probably.  It has left me shaken and confused, a little heartbroken, and terribly sad.  I even have what appears to be burst blood vessels on my face from crying and getting sick.   I am not a perfect mother by any means, but it seems I’m not even a good one.  I’ve thought I”ve praised, loved, kissed, and cuddled Adam and provided for him in every way he needs, but to be told the ways I have failed has cut me into a thousand pieces.  I know my emotions are made worse by being pregnant, but it’s going to be a struggle to get through today.   But this has left me wondering how have I affected Adam and why God has blessed me to be carrying another beautiful baby.  Please send words of wisdom my way.  To cry all day would be what I need, but I must tend to my job today, my not nearly as important or stressful job……*sigh*

Time Out!

We have now officially entered the life of time outs.  Adam has been really testing his independence lately.  He’s so much like his father that it is truly scary.  He is so sweet and kind, but he also loves to throw.  I think he’s going to be a pitcher!  It’s not necessarily out of anger or being mean, he just would rather throw than hand something to you.  So, we have been working on politely handing things, telling him no throwing, and now that we spoke with the sitter, we’ve implemented time out.  He has to sit by us, we talk to him about why, and he cannot get up til we tell him it is ok.  Today he had no time outs at the sitter.  He’s climbing on everything.  Sofa, tables, chairs….he climbs, we get him down, he climbs again.  He now knows where his eyes, nose, hair, and ears are.  He won’t point them out every time, but he knows.  When I picked him up today he pointed at my nose and said nose!  Awesome!!!!  Just out of the blew.  He’s never said it before.  He can now reach the magnetic letters we’ve had on the fridge and he can’t walk right under the table now.  It’s like he grew an inch overnight for this to happen.

We went to my cousins baby shower on Saturday.  Of course, my basket was a hit!  It was a family reunion of sorts and they haven’t changed a bit.  It was so sad to look across the street and see where my daddy lived, the house I ran around when I visited, the porch I occasionally fell off of.  I sat there trying to remember the layout of the small house.  I try to remember daddy’s voice and I can’t hear it anymore.  I wish I could, but somehow it’s just gone now.  I’ve been missing him so much lately.

I will be officially 4 months pregnant on Saturday!  4 months already!  I’m showing so differently than with Adam.  With him I was pretty much in the front, with this one I’ve developed this nice inner tube around my middle.  NICE!  On Monday I go in for 3 appts- a physical, my diabetes care, and perinatologist.  I’m sure my endo will adjust my insulin as my numbers have been increasing slightly, mainly in the evenings. 

I’ve taken care of a few items on my to do list.  Dental Appt- Check     Organize Craft Station- Check   Begin gathering items for sale- Check    Pretty darn good if I must say so myself.  We bought a new stroller for the trip.  Finally after a month long search!  Bought our trip luggage too.  I’ve begun making my list too.  Never to early to start!  Of course, after today’s earthquake I’ve begun to ponder the thought of what happens if we are there and one happens?  I know I have no control, and if it were just a small one and just me I think it would be kinda neat to experience ( like I said- a small one!), but with the boys there I just think I would be so frightened for their sake.  Of course, Adam would probably just smile and laugh.  Kids are so funny that way!

Feeling Antsy!

Let me back up to a couple of days.  I have been quite sleepy lately.  Energy zapped by the time I get home.  The other evening I slept for hours, even missing my nightly insulin dosage.  The next morning I woke up with the worst feeling.  I couldn’t place it, but I felt like something was not right.  I was worried about the baby especially of course.  Was my intuition telling me something or was it something else in my life that was bothering me?  I honestly felt like staying home in bed all day.  I felt better once I got moving around, but I couldn’t shake the feeling.  Thankfully everything was ok and the feeling subsided.  I feel like I need to take care of things in my life I have been avoiding.  I need to see the dentist.  I need to organize my craft station.  I need to put away clothes and throw away some too.  I’ve got to start thinking about the babies’ room.  There’s just so much.  Between the babies, the money, the trip, the sale, work, whewey there’s a ton to do!  It just keeps popping up in my head that there’s not that much time between now and early January.  At work they are starting to prepare for the two pregnant ones to be out at the same time.  My mind races all day and I think this is why I’ve been so tired.   On Saturday we are going to my cousin’s baby shower.  Now, this is a cousin I’ve never met, and we will see cousins we haven’t seen in years!  I’m excited to be able to have a connection again to my dad’s family.  I hope we can continue to plan things and keep in touch.  I would love for the kids to have more family in their lives.  Of course, when there is gift giving involved I go overboard.  This is no exception.  And seeing as this is the first time I get to proudly show off my talent (which may very well be the only one I have) of gift making.  This basket is outrageous.  Not tacky outrageous of course, but it’s just big!  Lot’s of stuff in this thing.  And Daniel is amazed when I do things like this, including my card that I created.  It felt good to be creative and I enjoy it.  If I had the courage to attempt to make a small home business I would, but I tend to stay in my comfort zone.  Everyone tells me I need to just go for it, that I have the eye for things like this.  People tell Daniel too, but I just like my dependable paycheck and insurance!!! 

So, Adam and Joshua spent the day together today.  Ms. Jean said all they did was fight.  I hope this is not what happens on the trip!  Hopefully tomorrow will go better for them.  Adam seems to be in a mood this evening so maybe he was just being feisty!

I am going to go try to do something mindless now….

Another Day, Another Dollar

Daniel came home with exciting news yesterday.  His company had a meeting to discuss their end of fiscal year, blah blah blah, and came out with 200 bucks cash!  What a blessing!  I’ve been worrying about the trip (because I am the world’s biggest worrier!) and this just took a load off!  The trip is getting so close and we are so excited!  We are going to new places, seeing all new things, and it’s just time to get away from Dallas.  I know it will be stressful being pregnant and having two 16month olds, but I know I won’t be the only one helping whereever needed.  Daniel had to work early this morning and late tonight…sucks, but hey more money for the trip!  Cha-Ching!  I was on full mommy duty this morning and I must say I quite enjoyed it.  Adam was great, he slept in so I didn’t have to rush my shower or getting dressed.  I woke him, changed him, got him breakfast, watched the news, and headed out on time.  Go Me!  I seem to have more energy today for sure.  Amazing since the neighbors were quite loud at 3am.  Why is it that the one night you look forward to getting a good night sleep is the night it’s not possible?  I was up til after 4am!  ARGH!  But, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning.  I even put on accessories! 

Tomorrow we are going to go see my nephew!  I’m excited!  Adam will be amazed and my mommy will spoil me rotten.  I get there and she tells me to sit, put my feet up, and she literally does the rest!  Yep, I know how blessed I am! 

I did have a moment of tears today though.  My fellow pregnant coworker has 3 daughters and her youngest who is 10 seems to have a heart problem.  It was just discovered a few weeks ago and she has seen specialist who diagnosed a possible heart murmur.  The dr. office called her today and told her to get in today at 5:30.  Well, naturally you think the worst with a notice like that!  Poor Donna, just broke down in tears, her little girl is sick and now she has to hear what is wrong.  We tried to be encouraging by telling her that it’s normal for them to say that, the nurse won’t release info on the phone, that if it was something tuly life threatening they would have ordered her to stop all of her daughter’s activities and to go in to the hospital for monitoring.  She seemed to calmed down as much as she could and hopefully will be able to hear what is happening and the appropriate course of action to take.  Please say a special prayer for Donna, her daughter Stormie, and the family.  Also, a friend of mine has a foundation for Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia.  Her daughter survived only 20 hours after birth.  Jessica founded this organization in her daughter’s name to help families dealing with this terrible defect.  One of the families lost their baby son this morning.  Please keep angel Seth and his family in your prayers too.  Tonight I will hug and kiss Adam more and be amazed at the gift God has given me.  I’m truly a blessed woman.

Pop Goes…..Christina!

The belly has definitely “popped”!  At work I had to wear uniforms resembling a flight attendant.  Fitting since I deal with pilots all day.  So, now that I am preggo and the uniforms too tight, I am wearing maternity clothes already.  I ordered maternity uniforms, but they won’t be in for a couple more weeks.  It’s really amazing to see how much faster things happen with the second one.  I looked in the mirror and noticed that I have gotten so much rounder.  Hello? I’m not even 14 weeks yet!  I will look like a whale soon I’m sure.

My best bud was out sick today.  I got tons of work done.  A few hassles that had been festering for a while finally came to a head today, of course when Leonard is out.  But I dealt with them as best I could.  Although, when I kept reading email after email of what needed to be done, I was sick to my stomach.  Literally within 15 minutes of arriving to work my stomach was turning.  Deep Breaths….deep breaths.  In the end it all got resolved.  My boss thanked me and told me he noticed how hard I”ve been working and what a good job I’m doing.  He’s awesome.  He asked what he was supposed to do in 7 months without me.  I’m worried too as I don’t see how the new guy is going to work out yet.  I expressed my concern to him and he told me that I don’t need to worry, that’s his job, and all I can do is train him the best I can.  I’m lucky to have an understanding boss.  Sad thing is that shortly he’ll be moving on to higher ranks in the company I’m sure and possible not be in my area.  *sigh* 

I made tons of dr. appts.  Called the insurance. Talked to Joseph who made it in from Milwaukee safely.  All in all it was a very good day.  I need to call my cousin tonight, but I’ve got to gear up for it.  My sister and I will be attending a baby shower for I guess she’d be our second cousin, who we’ve never met.  My dad’s side of the family is one that we’ve not had much communication with in years.  But it feels great to feel a connection to that side.  I hope they love Adam and the new baby and will remain in their lives. 

My father would have turned 60 on July 13th.  I had plans to visit his grave, but I just couldn’t do it.  I know I should have, but I couldn’t bear it that day.  I miss him.  He passed when I was only 15.  I didn’t have enough time with him.   I hate the fact that he missed my graduation, meeting Daniel, engagement, wedding, the birth of Adam, and now he’ll miss his fifth grandchild’s birth and life.  I know he’s watching and I truly believe that the blessings in my life have been in part provided by him, but why couldn’t he be here to hold his grandbabies?  To tell them stories about their mommy when she was little?  To help me guide them through life?  I’m thankful for all I have in life.  I have my husband and son, mom, my stepdad, sister, nephews, and nieces…But for nearly 16 years I’ve missed having my daddy.

Much Relief!

Went to the doctor today, well actually two doctors today.  The first one was the routine OB.  We were able to listen to the heartbeat of baby Spencer.  It was nice and strong at 140bpm.  I got to ask questions regarding the big California trip, my migraines, and allergies.  All were answered with good news.  The doctor said the trip is planned for the best time.  All the important tests and scans will have been done by then so besides taking walks at each gas stop, drinking water, limit caffeine, and massaging my legs the trip is a go!  What a relief!  As for my allergies, she put me on Zyrtec.  We’ll see if this improves my symptoms.  The migraine medicine I was on, of course is not safe now.  I have not had a migraine since getting pregnant, but I wanted information about what my options would be.  She would prefer not to have to prescribe anything until I am 22wks, but if I happen to get one and can’t handle it then she would do something along the lines of a narcotic painkiller.  Let’s just hope I don’t have to go that route.  She did say that she would definitely prescribe something prior to the trip to ensure that I was prepared and didn’t end up in the hospital during the vacay.

The next appointment was to the perinatologist.  This appointment was the first with this new doctor and I have to say that I quite liked it.  Everyone was friendly, he spoke with us in a leisurely manner, informed us of what would come next and we got a great ultrasound.  The baby’s heartbeat was 163bpm and was bouncing around, moving limbs, and it was truly amazing to see again.  The sonographer said that the baby must have been asleep earlier.  The baby looks like a baby now.  And is finally measuring on mark.  The first sono I had at the OB showed the baby measuring a week behind.  Now, I am officially 13weeks 2 days, and am due January 17th.  It’s finally real.  I can relax and be less worried.  I’ve been wondering if I would be blessed to have two healthy babies while trying to control my diabetes.  I am doing my best that’s for sure.  The doctor was pleased that everything looks great and was so helpful to us.  I have many more appointments at this office and I can see that they’ll take good care of me and the baby.  I would post pictures of the sonograms if I only knew how……

I’m feeling much more achy….the soreness and shooting pain through my hips is already here.  I don’t mean to complain, but I really thought that maybe I’d get a break on that this being my second and all.  No luck.

My nephew Joseph flies in tomorrow from Milwaukee.  He’s not seen Adam in forever and I am so excited.  We’ll see him on Saturday and he flies back on Sunday.  He’s so busy and we are so proud of him.

Adam is just amazing.  He loves to play ball.  He even says ball now.  He shakes hands too.  He’s growing so fast and I am just trying to soak it all in. 

It’s hard to imagine what life was like before him, and it’s just as hard to imagine what life will be like with 2!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling blue….AGAIN.

We had a great trip to Arkansas.  It was quite warm, but it was enjoyable to just sit around and do alot of nothing.  I finished a book, tried to keep up with Adam as much as I could, and just tried to relax.  I had bouts of morning sickness pretty much all day.  I end up with it every evening.  Susan was quite pleased I think!   We tried a new restaurant that was fantabulous!  They popped fireworks, which have never been my cup of tea.  But Susan and Daniel were like two kids!  Running back and forth picking out which to do next.  Them two blowing up things- SCARY!  We took the boys on their first bouce of the trampoline.  Adam hated it at first, but eventually got used to it.  Joshua hated it, but was ok once he realized we were just going to relax a bit and maybe bounce while they were in our laps.  We fished, Daniel was getting quite a few and yes, even I caught one for once. 

Work has been super busy.  I’m taking the initiative to learn more in depth procedures with foreign government paperwork.  It is quickly becoming a huge part of our company, so I figured I better work now to get better at it.  I got lots of compliments today on how well I did and thanks for the great work.  I must say that I am the type of person who strives for praise.  I’ve been given permission to wear maternity clothes- yes already.  I’m 3 months and already showing.  It’s so true that you show sooner.  I don’t mind, but just think I’ll be as big as a house soon. 

Adam now says Night Night.  He says No No No to everything and I curse the day he learned it now.  He even said it in Arkansas and turned to walk back to me and hit me.  Yep, he got a spanking for that which I’m sure he didn’t feel, but it hurt his feelings. 

As for the title of this blog….well, I’m blue because I am feeling like I am a lousy mother.  Another comment has been made and posted to many people I don’t know, that implies that someone never sees their grandchild.  I know this because it was also sent to our email.  I’m really hurt and sad again over this.  I don’t know how to handle this anymore.  I’ve asked for help but it’s not happening.  But, it’s made me feel awful to know that these strangers will see this and give this person pity.  It’s affecting me more and more lately and I don’t quite know what to do about it.